15.1 What Is a Healthy Relationship?

Learning Outcomes

After studying this lesson, you will be able to

• the importance of relationships for physical, emotional, and social health.

• characteristics that can help you build and maintain healthy relationships with others and enhance your own health.

• techniques to communicate clearly and effectively, both verbally and nonverbally, with others.

• effective negotiating skills to resolve a conflict.

• the purpose of peer mediation.

The Importance of Relationships

People live in and have many relationships with other people. are the connections you form and maintain with other people. Most people live in and have . Young people have relationships with other students, teachers, and adults. Adults have relationships with and members of groups to which they belong. All of these relationships help contribute to a person’s and (Figure 15.1).

Figure 15.1 All of your relationships your . As you grow up, you will have more types of relationships and will get to know more diverse people. Which type of relationship is responsible for meeting the needs of members?

Some relationships meet human needs. Most of these relationships are in families, which are responsible for meeting the needs of members. Other relationships, however, also play a crucial role in your overall health. Researchers have found that people with good are less likely to get sick than people who lack social support. People with good social support also tend to recover from and even . Relationships filled with tension and conflict can have the opposite effects on health.

Relationships also meet the need to belong to a group and to feel connected with and loved by other people. Relationships impact you . A smile or a from a friend or a classmate can lift your spirits. An argument with a sibling can make you feel angry or sad. Relationships allow you to learn more about yourself, receive and provide , and gain skills for communicating and .

Different relationships satisfy different needs. When you were , most of your relationships were probably in your family. As you grow up, your social world is expanding to include other relationships, such as those with , teachers, and even dating partners.

Healthy Versus Unhealthy Relationships

The of relationships depends on the health of the relationships (Figure 15.2). For example, in healthy relationships, people receive support from family and friends when they go through times of crises. This support helps give people the they need to recover from the they face. People in unhealthy relationships often do not receive the support they need. In turn, this can result in experiencing more physical, mental, and than people in healthy relationships. Healthy relationships can improve all aspects of health.

Figure 15.2 A person with healthy relationships will experience more and fewer negative emotions than a person with unhealthy relationships.

As you form , you can ensure your own health by building healthy relationships. Sometimes, the peers, family, culture, or media in a person's life can affect how they value relationships and alter what they expect from a relationship. Healthy relationships have the following important characteristics:

• . Honesty means sharing the truth about what you have done, what you want, and how you feel.

• . Trust is believing that another person is not going to do or say something to hurt you.

• . Respect is knowing that each person has worth as a human being (dignity) and has a right to have one's feelings and desires recognized. Respect should be mutual, or go both ways. You can build respect and dignity by minding each other’s boundaries, openly discussing concerns, making and keeping plans, and following through on promises.

• . You demonstrate care and commitment when you show concern for another person and work to make the relationship better.

• . Controlling your emotions is an important part of building a healthy relationship. For example, controlling your anger and being patient can help you work through conflict in a positive way.

• . When you show understanding, you acknowledge and relate to the feelings, thoughts, and perspectives of another person and show kindness to this person.

• . Each person feels safe, cares for each other’s well-being, and respects personal boundaries, or rules about behavior. Part of respecting boundaries is giving and receiving affirmative consent. Affirmative consent is a direct, verbal, freely-given agreement that occurs when someone clearly says "yes." For example, if a friend says no to hanging out after school, you do not show up to your friend’s house uninvited. Respect your friend’s decision.

• . Interpersonal skills are skills that help people communicate and resolve conflicts in positive ways. You can build healthy relationships by using interpersonal skills.

Paying attention to these can help you build and maintain healthy relationships. If a relationship does not have these characteristics, it is and needs to change (Figure 15.3). These signs can help you determine if a relationship must end.

Communication Skills

communication is perhaps the most important part of a healthy relationship. The communication process involves the exchange of and responses between two or more people. Effective communication happens when the receiver understands the message and sends —a constructive response—to communicate to the sender that the message was received and understood (Figure 15.4). The communication process continues with the further exchange of messages. Two types of communication are used to send messages: communication.

Verbal Communication

Verbal communication involves the use of words to send a spoken or . You use verbal communication all the time—through everyday conversation, text messages, phone calls, e-mails, , letters, and notes. For example, telling or texting a parent or guardian you will be home at a certain time is a form of verbal communication. Talking with a friend through video calls or online messages is another.

Nonverbal Communication

In many situations, communication involves more than just words. Nonverbal communication involves communicating through , body language, gestures, tone and volume of voice, and other signals that do not involve the use of words. Your nonverbal communication shows people whether you are and are interested in the conversation. These signals are an especially important part of for the person communicating with you.

Ways to Communicate Effectively

In , people communicate their , , feelings, boundaries, and . They know the other person in the relationship will listen to and support them. You can use the techniques in the next sections to communicate care, consideration, and for yourself and others. These techniques help ensure that people and effectively with everyone, including parents, peers, and other members of their community.

Use Active Listening

Good communication requires skills. When you listen and focus on what the other person is saying, you work to understand and respect the speaker’s perspective. Active listening is the act of on the person talking with the goal of understanding the message and the speaker’s feelings. Active listening involves the key steps shown in Figure 15.6.

Active listening is a great way to avoid . If you carefully listen to what others say, others will be more likely to do the same for you.

Clearly Express Your Needs and Preferences

To communicate , people need to clearly, fully state their wants, needs, opinions, and feelings. Expecting the other person to be a mind reader is a sign of . Some people assume that others should be able to notice their subtle hints and know how they are feeling. This is also a poor communication strategy. Instead, explain what you want the other person to understand.

Be Assertive

As you communicate with others, you may notice that people use different . There are three common communication styles, which include the following:

1. . Passive communication does not clearly state needs, wants, and feelings. A passive communicator may seem to say “yes” to everything, speak very quietly, and let hurt feelings build up.

2. . Aggressive communication makes demands of another person and insults others. A person with this communication style expresses needs and feelings in a way that disrespects others.

3. . Assertive communication clearly expresses feelings, needs, and goals in a way that shows respect to the other person. This communication style values both people and seeks clarity.

Use I-Statements

Effective communication uses to express feelings and desires. I-statements explain how the speaker feels without passing judgment on the receiver. An example of an I-statement is “I feel sad when I don’t have anyone to talk to in class.” This is more constructive than a you-statement, which makes assumptions about and blames the other person (for example, “You don’t like me anymore”). Using I-statements to tell other people how you feel can help them understand your point of view without making them feel attacked (Figure 15.8).

Figure 15.8 Using you-statements can make the other person feel blamed or judged, which can prevent positive communication. Instead, try to make I-statements.

Watch Your Nonverbal Communication

Be aware of the you are sending. What messages do your and body language communicate to others? For example, suppose you are having a conversation with your sister. As she speaks, you at your phone and once in a while. These signals do not communicate active listening or respect for your sister. , nodding your head, and leaning forward would communicate that you value what she is saying.

Use Online Communication Wisely

Today, a lot of communication occurs online, such as or . This type of communication has many advantages, some of which are and communication. It also has some disadvantages. For example, it lacks some of the communication present in face-to-face contact. People can also the tone or meaning of an online message. Following are to help communicate online safely and effectively:

• . Treat people the way you would like to be treated. If someone is mean or rude, you can ignore the message, tell the person to stop, or block the person.

• . Do not post or share conflicts with a person online. Agree to meet the person face-to-face to work through the conflict together.

• . Think carefully before you share anything you would not want other people to see. Assume everyone will be able to see anything you post, even if you try to remove it.

Conflict Resolution Skills

Even with , people can still have . These disagreements are called conflicts and are a normal part of life. Conflicts are present even in . Figure 15.9 shows common sources of conflicts. What separates conflict in healthy relationships from conflict in unhealthy relationships is how conflict is resolved.

In disagreements of little importance, it may be best to simply between yourself and another person. There is no point arguing with a sibling who does not like a food you enjoy eating, for example. Other conflicts, such as you and your about which movie to see, are easy to settle with no hurt feelings. Many conflicts, however, are more and are too serious to ignore.

Conflicts that are can be quite . Unresolved conflicts can weaken feelings of and harm a person’s mental and emotional health. Many people worry that addressing a conflict with another person can a relationship or make conflict worse. In fact, working through and a conflict can actually strengthen a relationship. The only way to is to address it. When people work together to resolve a conflict, they can end a hurtful situation and show their commitment to the relationship. W

Negotiation

Settling a conflict requires . Negotiating is a process in which people work together (to think and talk) through a solution to a conflict. Figure 15.10 shows the six steps of the negotiation process.

Figure 15.10 To work through a conflict, the people involved need to negotiate a solution to the issue. This involves time and effort.

Prepare

To , agree with the other person on a time and place to discuss the conflict. Meet when you both have enough time to focus on the issue. Choose a away from other people and distractions. Before the meeting, get yourself ready. Think about what you want, what reasons you have, and what the other person may want. the similarities and differences between your perspective and the other person’s. Consider what you are willing to give up to satisfy the other person’s goals.

Keep Calm

Intense feelings such as and can make a conflict worse. Feeling angry is normal, but acting aggressively in anger can hurt a relationship. Resolving conflict requires you to manage your and share your feelings without letting them get out of control. If you building up, set that anger aside. Try taking several deep breaths or taking a break. Walk away and give yourself and the other person a chance to calm down.

State Your Position

When it is your turn to talk, state your assertively. Speak honestly about your feelings, needs, and goals. Avoid behaving passively or . Behaving passively can cause you to avoid the conflict and let it continue to build. Aggressive behavior can offend the other person and put that person on the defensive. To state your position assertively, use instead of . Make sure your body language and other nonverbal cues match the position you are stating.

Listen

Listen carefully to what the person is and try to understand that person's thoughts and . Think about how this person’s perspective is to and from your own. Consider what good points the person is making and do not think about your response while the other person is talking (Figure 15.11). Also pay attention to the person’s body language and tone of voice.

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Figure 15.11 Thinking about what you want to say next and criticizing a person while the person is speaking are examples of poor listening skills.

Compromise

In a , both parties give up something they each want to reach a solution that is acceptable for everyone involved. For example, if you and your friends disagree about which movie to see, you could agree to see one movie this weekend and the other movie next weekend. Effective compromise is only possible if both sides are willing to be flexible.

Ask for Help

Sometimes a person is to talk directly to the other person in a conflict. In that case, it might be best to talk to someone else first. the situation to a or another friend can help you work out how you feel and what you want. It can give you a new perspective on the issue and clarify what to do next.

Mediation

In some cases, a conflict is too for the people directly involved to manage by themselves. In this situation, an can help the people or groups find a good solution.

As you learned in Chapter 1, mediation is a strategy for resolving difficult conflicts by involving a neutral third party, or mediator. A neutral person is someone who does not favor one side or another in a conflict.

Conflict resolution programs in many schools provide , in which specially trained students work with other students to resolve conflicts (Figure 15.12). learn about conflicts and methods for resolving them. They work under the guidance of faculty advisors. When a , the faculty member assigns a mediator to handle the situation. The sets up a meeting to talk to the people involved in the conflict and to work through a solution.

At the meeting, the mediator invites everyone to of the conflict. The mediator asks if those involved have thought of any . If not, the mediator helps brainstorm possible solutions. The group discusses each alternative until everyone on a solution.