15.4 Dating Relationships

Learning Outcomes

After studying this lesson, you will be able to

• the characteristics of a healthy dating relationship.

• strategies to set boundaries for intimacy before and during a dating relationship.

• strategies for forming a healthy dating relationship.

• healthy ways to handle the end of a dating relationship.

Dating relationships are a new type of for many young people. The decision to begin dating is , and different people feel ready to begin dating at different times. Some young people are interested in and ready for dating earlier than their peers. These people may feel to a person in a romantic way and decide to act on those feelings. Other young people may not yet feel this type of attraction for someone else. Some families may have rules that limit or forbid dating until a certain age.

A couple can go out on a date without being in a . Casual dating is a way of how you interact with and feel about another person and whether you are compatible together. It can help you learn more about yourself (Figure 15.28). A dating relationship exists when two people date on a regular basis.

Casual Dating Is a Way to...

• about yourself and others

• with others

• form good peer

• evaluate

• learn about the involved in relationships

Characteristics of Healthy Dating Relationships

All types of healthy relationships share , such as and , , safety, care, and . Healthy dating relationships also have the following qualities:

• . Attraction refers to the and connection that draws people together. Being attracted to someone means it is exciting to be with that person. Attraction without is sometimes infatuation. Infatuation describes intense romantic feelings that develop suddenly and are usually based on . A crush is an example of an intense, but short-lived, infatuation.

• . Closeness arises because two people share personal feelings and thoughts that they do not share with others. When they share with each other, these two people develop a bond. Closeness is seen between friends, but friends may not share attraction for each other. This is called a . If friends do share attraction, this can provide a healthy foundation for a dating relationship.

• . In healthy dating relationships, each person maintains their own . The relationship does not redefine a person. Each person’s core values, beliefs, and sense of self remain the same.

• . People in a healthy dating relationship see each other regularly, but make time for friends and family members. In a relationship, people also share time, , activities, interests, and and fairly. One person in a relationship should not have more power from age, socioeconomic status, or position, than the other person.

• , honesty, and respect. Both people in a relationship should feel comfortable sharing and expressing their likes, , goals, values, and thoughts. In a healthy dating relationship, the couple can discuss these topics openly, honestly, and with respect.

• . In a healthy dating relationship, both people should support each other’s successes, happiness, talents, interests, and goals.

• Reliability. People in a can count on each other. They are there for each other consistently.

• . People with similar or character traits can have a relationship with few conflicts.

Over time, love may develop in a dating relationship. Love describes an intense affection for and attachment to another person. Love develops gradually as people get to know each other on a more intimate level. This should not be confused with feelings of passion. Passion can be very powerful and exciting, but is typically short-lived because it is based in physical attraction.

As love develops, couples may decide to commit to be exclusive, or romantically involved with only one dating partner. An exclusive couple agrees to work together at maintaining the relationship. It also means the couple is willing to work through issues instead of ending the relationship when conflict occurs.

Healthy romantic relationships provide companionship and support for maintaining social, mental, emotional, and financial health. Healthy committed relationships such as marriages are important for families and communities. Children raised by parents in healthy committed relationships experience a number of benefits, including increased chance of attending college, better physical and emotional health, stronger family relationships, less risk of abusing substances, greater financial security, and less risk of teen pregnancy and STIs.

Intimacy and Abstinence

Dating relationships often include some type of intimacy, or closeness. People can express intimacy in different ways, such as through words, gifts, or time together. They can also express intimacy through being close to another person, such as holding hands or sitting next to someone (Figure 15.29). Before you start dating, you should know how you feel about being intimate with another person. It is better to know your boundaries before you are in a situation that requires a quick decision. Be sure to enforce these personal boundaries and your affirmative consent during the relationship.

Some young people think you have to be physically intimiate to feel close to a dating partner.

This is a myth.

The truth is...

Young people can express affection and feel close without physical intimacy.

Many factors, including your values, religion, and judgment, will influence decisions you make about intimacy. Abstinence, or the commitment to refrain from all forms of sexual activity, is a healthy choice for young people. Abstinence is the only method that is 100 percent effective in preventing sexually transmitted infections (STIs), HIV/AIDS, and pregnancy. It also prevents emotional consequences such as guilt over keeping sexual activity a secret. Finally, it avoids social consequences related to being exclusive.

As with intimacy, you should consider your own boundaries related to abstinence before starting a dating relationship. When you start dating, communicate these boundaries and stick to them (Figure 15.30). Having a healthy sense of self and good decision-making skills makes people more likely to refuse behaviors outside their boundaries.

Peer pressure can positively or negatively affect people’s ability to set and reinforce boundaries or limits. It can also affect if people will accept and respect boundaries and consent. In a healthy dating relationship, you will not feel pressured by your partner to engage in physically intimate or sexual behavior that does not feel comfortable. It is possible to maintain a rewarding, fun, healthy romantic relationship without engaging in sexual activity. If someone does pressure you to do something that is outside your boundaries, use refusal skills to reinforce your limits.

Strategies for Forming Healthy Dating Relationships

If you are interested in having a romantic relationship, you should take steps to ensure it is healthy. Strategies you can use for forming a healthy dating relationship include the following:

• Get to know the person you might want to date before dating. Talk to this person at school, during an activity, or on the phone before going out with this person. This will help you figure out if you are compatible, have similar values, and share common interests.

• Go out with a group that includes the person in whom you are interested. Group dating is a good way to get to know a possible dating partner. Group dating reduces the pressure of having to keep a conversation going with someone you are just getting to know. It is also a good way to stay safe, especially if you do not know the person very well.

• Find ways to cope with your nerves. You may feel nervous about interacting with the person you may want to date. These feelings are normal. In fact, the other person will probably be nervous, too. If talking makes you nervous, plan activities that do not require much conversation, such as seeing a movie or attending a concert.

The End of a Dating Relationship

Many dating relationships between young people eventually end in a breakup, or the end of a romantic relationship. These relationships often do not last long. This is partly because young people’s goals and beliefs are still forming and changing as they try to figure out their own identities. Taking time to consider their partner’s perspectives can help one or both partners realize when the relationship no longer works and needs to end.

Breakups can be emotionally painful, especially for the person who does not want to end the relationship. It is important, however, to recognize when a relationship is not working. Someone ready to end a relationship should talk to the other person honestly and attempt to understand their perspective. It is not fair to string the other person along.

No matter how a relationship ends, both people involved will probably find it difficult to cope. When a relationship ends, people commonly feel sad, angry, lonely, and even physically ill. These feelings are a normal reaction to the end of a relationship and will heal over time.

Some people try to cope with the loss of a dating relationship by quickly beginning a new relationship. By doing this, however, they do not allow themselves time to process their feelings about the end of their previous relationship. Some of these feelings can spill over into the new relationship, which is unfair to new dating partners. New partners deserve to be with someone who is focusing on the new relationship. Figure 15.31 lists some healthy strategies for coping with the end of a dating relationship.

Coping with the End of a Dating Relationship

Take care of your physical and mental health

Share your feelings with friends and family

Keep yourself busy with activities or hobbies you enjoy

Give your previous partner space

Limit how much you see or hear about your previous partner

Focus on the positives in your life