Essay Revision Practice 2 - Rachel Goldin | Library

People around the world have always encountered frogs and toads in various bodies of water. Unfortunately, pollution and disease is killing many of the world's frogs. For example, a fungus may be responsible for the extinction of several species in Australia and has been found in forty-four species there. Other fungi and viruses have eliminated frogs in the United States as well. The effect of pollutants are also severe. Substances like fertilizers and heavy metals are responsible for the deaths of many frogs in Europe and Canada.

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Read the following excerpt from a student essay. How can the writer best improve his or her grammar and mechanics?

Like all penguins, king penguins are mainly black and white, but they have distinctive touches of color. Adult king penguins have black feathers on their backs. Their chests are white. They have orange feathers on their ears and throats. Along the bottom part of the bill, adults also have an orange streak. Juveniles of the species look much like the adults. However, their black feathers may be tipped with gray. Yellow feathers appear on their ears. Their lower necks have grayish white color. Chicks have brown downy feathers until they molt. They molt at about eleven months of age.

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Read the following excerpt from a student essay. How can the writer best improve his or her sentence fluency?

I discovered my passion shortly after my freshman year. That summer, at my parents' suggestion, I attended a weeklong seminar sponsored by a local university. Although I was nervous about being the only high school student, I stretched myself and learned a lot. Through the seminar, I mastered the basics of reporting and feature writing. The following summer, I took a creative writing workshop and completed several short stories. In my school's creative writing class this year, I am sharing my stories with others and receiving helpful critiques to improve my craft.

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Read the following excerpt from a student essay. How can the writer best improve his or her organization?

The belly produces acid to break down food. In patients who suffer from gastroesophageal reflux disease, more commonly known as GERD or acid reflux, the acid moves backward into the eating tube. Most often, GERD occurs because the lower esophageal sphincter, the thing at the junction of the eating tube and the belly, doesn't close the way it should or opens at the wrong time.

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Read the following excerpt from a student essay. How can the writer best improve his or her academic voice?

Alfred Hitchcock's 1963 horror masterpiece The Birds is based on Daphne du Maurier's novella of the same name. In the film version, a quiet town in northern California is terrorized by birds, however, the book is set in Cornwall, England. Du Maurier was unhappy with the movie, which didn't stick to her original storyline, characters, or setting. Most people, though, still think of the film as a classic, in fact, the American Film Institute ranks it as the seventh most thrilling American film of the twentieth century. 

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Read the following excerpt from a student essay. How can the writer best improve his or her grammar and mechanics?

During our last game, our pitcher Travis suddenly grabbed his wrist after throwing a fastball. Coach Burnett asked him if he was OK, and Travis said that it hurt. None of us knew what was wrong with him and he was whisked off to the doctor, who ultimately diagnosed a forearm strain and wrist tendinitis. After three weeks of rehabilitation, Travis finally returned. Coach Burnett said he was glad Travis was back, and Travis said he was happy and relieved.

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Read the following excerpt from a student essay. How can the writer best improve his or her narrative voice?

Cloning has come a long way since a sheep named Dolly was successfully cloned in 1996. Now it is becoming possible to use cloning for a variety of purposes. For example, cloning technology could be used to grow stem cells from which replacement organs, such as hearts and livers, could be grown. If a person became ill and needed an organ transplant, cloning could provide the answer. With advances in technology, even cloning humans has become a distinct possibility. Scientists, bioethicists, and governments are all exploring this, even though it is clearly unnatural and unethical.by avoiding subjective statementsby avoiding first-person pronounsby including technical termsSubmit
 

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Read the following excerpt from a student essay. How can the writer best improve his or her academic voice?

Self-expression is important, therefore, you should be yourself no matter what other people think. People might express their inner selves through music, art, or writing, through foods they eat, cook, and serve others, or through their home decor. I choose to express myself through my clothing and my hairstyle. When I was eight years old, my mother taught me how to sew, now I make all of my own clothes. I also dye my hair crazy colors, like green or blue. Sometimes people stare at me and seem to wonder why I look the way I do. My answer is, "I just gotta be me!"

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Read the following excerpt from a student essay. How can the writer best improve his or her grammar and mechanics?

Automobile companies should be required to manufacture more fuel-efficient vehicles. This shift would help the environment by lowering the demand for crude oil and lowering the level of pollutants released into the atmosphere. If fuel-efficient cars were manufactured, the economy would improve, too. As people lowered their expenses for gas, they would be able to increase spending on other products. Also, manufacture of these cars would drive technology forward: other new products would likely be manufactured, too.

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Read the following excerpt from a student essay. How can the writer best improve his or her word choice?

In Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, Pip, a young orphan, is sent by his sister to the home of Miss Havisham, a wealthy, eccentric woman. There he meets Estella, a beautiful girl whom he falls hopelessly in love with. On one visit to Miss Havisham's, Pip encounters a boy who challenges him to a fight; wanting to impress Estella, he hits the boy. "I never have been so surprised in my life as I was when I let out the first blow and saw him lying on his back, looking up at me with a bloody nose", Pip recounts. Estella seems delighted and says to Pip "Come here! You may kiss me if you like". 

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